You’ve probably* remarked on the fact that I’ve written nothing whatsoever on the glorious triumph of democracy and suffrage that has been our General Election - that’s largely because I couldn’t possibly hope to compete with the armies of “bloggers” wanking on endlessly about it already. Actually, the most prominent political “blogs” are really nothing of the sort; instead, they’re very slick semi-professional operations in constant contact with both shadowy figures within party machines, and like-minded commentators in the press and media. Before anything ever gets “blogged”, there’s a big discussion between the three corners on which bit of the party line they’re going to articulate. Once they’ve all agreed what to say and complimented themselves on how clever it is, the topic gets posted, and they then use the comments sections to further agree with each other and compliment themselves a bit more on how clever they’re being, making sure that they lend legitimacy to themselves by linking to each other’s stories which are saying exactly the same thing. Finally, they invent portentously-named political blog awards (which they vote on themselves, obviously) in order to once again ram home the fact that they agree with each other and compliment themselves on how clever they’ve all been. Basically, political blogging is little more than a huge, constantly-throbbing bum-licky circle-jerk emanating from two tiny cadres of arseholes; snot-nosed Eton’n'Magdalen brats in the secret employ of Rupert Murdoch on one side, and cocaine-socialist London-bubble labourites on the other. Shower of self-serving, crap-peddling toss-pots, the lot of them.

… where was I? Oh yes, the election last night; bit of a bummer all round, apart from the Green victory in Brighton. It could be argued that ALL THREE of the main parties have ultimately been rejected in some way - which is quite a feat on the part of the electorate, especially given the fairly high turnout. It might not be all bad if we get some sort of electoral reform; I wouldn’t even mind too much if Cleggy got into bed with old halibut-in-condom-features Cameron if PR is on the agenda as a result, even if it’s only a referendum. Dunno, really. It’s all a load of old bollocks anyway.

Sorry, I ran out of steam a bit there, didn’t I? I suppose in future, I’d better leave political blogging to my superiors….

(* - actually, you probably haven’t.)

Big news from north of the border: Robin Barr, chairman of AG Barr, is to stand down at the age of 71, and will finally pass on the secret recipe of top-selling Scottish beverage Irn Bru to his daughter. To this day, Barr personally mixes the Irn Bru essence once a month, and the formula is currently known only by him and one other person. For security reasons, the two recipe-holders are never allowed to travel on the same plane together. Wooo!

On the one hand, this is obviously clever publicity from a company who have always marketed themselves intelligently - their product, amazingly, outsells both Coke and Pepsi in Scotland; the only country in Europe where the two American soft drink behemoths aren’t totally dominant.

On the other - have you ever tasted Irn Bru? It’s facking HORRIBLE. Even my girlfriend, who swears by a cocktail of WKD Blue and port, won’t touch it. And what’s more, I suspect that the only reason for its cachet is that the Scots, possibly more than any other nation in the world, will always go off-Kilt-er in their adoration for a product for no other reason than its local provenance.

Come to think of it, does anyone of a non-Caledonian persuasion actually LIKE Robert Burns, Billy Connolly, whisky, shortbread, … er… deep-fried Mars Bars and … ahem… (10 VP points to anyone who can think of anything else famous from Scotland)??

Barr Humbug.

Hurrah! After YEARS of obsolescence, finally a post involving the “Dumb and Meaningless Award of the Year Award” category - well, sort-of. More of a survey than an award, as such. But still dumb.

The Radio Times has conducted a survey (response: a massive 3000 people!) of Brit actors in US shows with the worst American accents, and amongst the nominees were Ian McShane (Deadwood), Anna Friel (Pushing Daisies), Hugh Laurie (House) and Michelle Ryan (Bionic Woman). Sorry, but aren’t these pretty much the only Brit actors using American accents in US TV shows? Next week, maybe they could have a “best American accent” category and just reverse the order…

Poor Michelle Ryan came last. Mind you, with dimples and bee-stung lips like hers, she could speak like a German dalek with laryngitis and I’d still be putty in her bionic hands…

In the latest bizarre twist in the Goody saga, fat racist thick chav Jade has been nominated for “Celebrity Mum of the Year“. Presumably, the award is voted for by the kind of mum who considers turkey twizzlers to be haute cuisine, and who barges into schools threatening (and often performing) physical violence on any teacher who tries to discipline their horrendous brat. In which case, it’s entirely appropriate that Jade should be nominated.

There are, however, 20 nominees for the title, which appears to be sponsored by cruddy clothes retailer and manufacturer of potato / cream side dishes for French royalty*, Grattan…. hang on, I’d struggle even to name 5, let alone 20, famous women who’ve dropped a sprog recently; what an extremely pointless accolade. Thus “Celebrity Mum of the Year” is my first nomination in the Sandwich’s “Dumb and Meaningless Awards of the Year Award”, which I’ll be running throughout 2007, and for which I’ve created a special new category of posts on the site. Feel free to nominate any you come across…

(* - 10 Shit Sandwich Bonus Points for the first person to understand what the hell I’m on about here… and I WILL be formally launching the Shit Sandwich Bonus Points system very soon. There’ll be prizes!!!)