Off to see Depeche Mode at the Birmingham NEC tonight; I wonder whether they’re still the same group of fey, quintessentially English boys who were on Crackerjack in 1982 when I did “Take a Letter” (!), or whether the whole America / heroin / Marilyn Manson liking them but not really getting the joke thing has super-inflated their egos. I’d bet my mortgage on the latter, but will travel in hope.

Roy “Chubby” Brown’s real name is Royston Vasey - that’s where the League of Gentlemen got the name for their fictional village. Well I never.

… is the fact that all the candidates have obviously been briefed that they have to kiss “Sir” Alan’s hairy butt, and can’t ever address him in the manner he deserves. So even when he’s shouting them down, spouting rubbish at them and about to fire them for spurious reasons, they still have to behave like fawning medieval courtiers. “Ooh, YES, Sir Alan! No, Sir Alan! Tell us how to make succesful consumer electronics, Sir Alan!” Bah.

A suitably measured response from our Chinese friends to the “baby boiling” guff.

On the FRONT PAGE of Yahoo UK -

“Robbie Keane boosted Spur’s bid for a Champions League place”

Embrace have apparently been chosen to record England’s world cup song. Great news, I’m sure everyone agrees. Just one question - who the fuck are Embrace?
The article to which I link above claims that the lead singer is named Danny McNamara… that’s a good English name, isn’t it? It goes on to allege that Embrace “had their first top 10 hit in 1997 with “All you good good people”. Really? I challenge you to find ANYONE who has ever heard of that song, or has any idea how it goes.

Giving the song duties to the musical equivalent of Peter Crouch hardly represents an auspicious beginning to England’s world cup tub-thumping… it’s Simply Red’s “We’re In This Together” all over again.

Vaguely enjoyed “Pinochet in Suburbia” last night. Not because it was any good; the screenplay was, frankly, dull and NEVER worth an hour and a half on Beeb 2. The acting wasn’t great either, especially not Derek Jacobi mistakenly thinking that if you swear so that a little bit of spittle comes out of your mouth, you’re portraying a part convincingly. As for the woman who was supposed to be Margaret Thatcher; Samuel L Jackson could have done a better job. Motherf&ckers and all.

No, I enjoyed it because it reminded me that I, like Pinochet, was living amongst the rhododendrons, golf courses and Waitroses of Sunningdale in the late ’90s… a far cry from Folkin’ Folkestone on a cold March afternoon.

With a general election imminent, this is the level of political debate in the land of my fathers. I’m not saying that all Italians are stupid…. actually, scratch that. Most Italians that I’ve met (immediate family aside, obviously) ARE very stupid - most of the stereotypes of a shallow, image-obsessed, parochial country are absolutely true, as far as I can make out. Berlusconi should leave off the baby-boiling, in fact, give up talking politics altogether. Just crap on about AC Milan a lot*. Or, if all else fails and they get dumped out of the Champions League by Lyon, he should go for the sympathy vote - guest on a chat show to talk about his hair loss. VERGOGNA ITALIA…

* Note - Berlusconi already HAS been crapping on about AC Milan a lot, using the coincidental fact that he bought the club exactly 20 years ago to appear on endless TV retrospectives, shown at prime time, on his channels. Nothing to do with the election, obviously.

Such a shame… here was I thinking that Isaac Hayes was not only the creator of modern soul, but possibly the only person in the entire American continent with the ability to mock himself - and then he leaves South Park, citing “inappropriate ridicule of religion”. Ten seasons in. South Park has been offering up entirely appropriate ridicule of religion since minute one - so why leave now? The dark tentacles of scientology evidently reach the parts of a star’s mind that other religions can’t….

Ike, you’re a bozo. Never again shall I honour you by making “wokka-wokka” noises in imitation of the theme from Shaft.

“WHOSE been giving Brad Pitt a black eye?”. On the front page of Yahoo. The FRONT PAGE. Mind you, this is a website which recently launched, in a blaze of publicity, “Yahoo Answers”, a lovely little section in which stupid people can answer stupid questions posted by other stupid people. For example -

Are you a rascist (sic)?
What is a Nice Way of Saying Hello in a Text MSG?
How can One avoid farting in a get to-gether or during the course of a meeting?

The section, open to Yahoo users worldwide, was publicised for approx. 8 hours on the front page of Yahoo UK and has now been swiftly shuffled off, presumably due to an avalanche of abuse directed at thick Americans. To which I of course contributed.