Another day, another TTOTDOWOHOHCBATCI… having shown you what Ian Dury and the Blockheads could do when they were trying, I thought I’d share with you how much fun they could be when they weren’t. “Razzle in my Pocket” is a humdrum tale of everyday thievery and its inevitable come-uppance ; the sort of Crime and Punishment which I’m sure Dostoevsky would have conceived had he originated from Romford rather than Moscow.

It also illustrates two song-types of which I’m very fond, one still alive (if unwell), and the other seemingly dead. Firstly, it’s a “vignette” song, a little slice of someone’s life…  like, say, “Don’t You Want Me” by the Human League, or “Papa Don’t Preach” by Madonna. There are plenty of these still around; sadly, most of them are by Lily Nash or Kate Allen and inevitably concern subjects requiring very little imagination / creative skill; hence we hear endlessly about drugs taken, loathsome family members, failed short-term relationships brimming with bitchy resentment, unexpected discharges from various orifices and the like. Which is a shame.

Secondly, it’s a classic light-relief b-side record; i.e. a loose idea for a song which was never likely to make it to the album, but which has been resurrected and (very) hastily recorded specifically to fill the blank vinyl on the other side of the anticipated hit (in this case, it was the flip to Dury’s legendary “Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll”). With the demise of the 7″ - in fact, of the single altogether - the “comedy” b-side appears to be no longer required. Which is also a shame.

From time to time, we all indulge ourselves in pastimes or pursuits which are, well, a little beneath us. Mine, currently (and indeed previously), is watching “Waterloo Road”, a BBC school-based “drama” which makes “Hollyoaks” look like “Citizen Kane”. Still, it’s a harmless waste of an hour - a bit of frothy light relief. I should emphasise that the “frothy relief” I’m referring to concerns the unchallenging sub-soap-opera plotlines / characters rather than anything to do with the multitude of 19-year-old actresses cavorting in knee-length stockings and short skirts.

And I’m aware that some of you have your own guilty pleasures; LZ is deeply aroused by Twiglets*; Technical Organ Grinder, an avowed Google-hater, secretly loves their new “Street View” product, and pens fantastical stories like this under an assumed name to help promote it**.  Cane, I’ve heard tell, arranges mythical sales conferences in Seattle to which he drives having loaded his car’s 6CD changer up with Smiths and Morrissey albums.***And finally, chess champion Pal Pito will occasionally, just for kicks, open a Sicilian defence with d4 rather than e4 (!!!) (****)

(* - sorry, that should read “Twilight“, and that particular gag wasn’t funny the first time either. Or the second or third, or the several other previous occasions on which I’ve used it privately.)
(** - this is a complete lie.)
(*** - also a complete lie.)
(**** - also a complete…you get the picture.)

If anyone would like to share a REAL guilty pleasure, feel free….

The new owner of London’s main (well, only) paid-for newspaper, the Evening Standard, is ruthless Putin-sanctioned oligarch and former KGB spy Alexander Lebedev. The paper’s regular readers are said to be worried about a possible softening of the editorial stance under this new bleeding-heart-liberal regime… (after all, the previous owners were the Daily Mail group…)

Washington DC; temperature minus 6 degrees; over 1,000,000 visitors thronging the streets sharing only 5000 temporary toilets. Well, they did say it’d be a cold day in hell…

You’d need to have spent the last week living in a) a deep hole or b) America to have remained unaware of the Kaka’ transfer story - but if you are, it’s as follows: AC Milan, the most successful club in the history of world football, have received an offer of £108 million from Arab-funded Manchester City, the second most succesful club in the Manchester area (if you don’t count Bolton or Preston), for Brazilian playmaker Kaka’ (real name Ricardo Izec… etc…), widely acknowledged as the best player in the world. The figure more than doubles the previous player transfer record (£48m); City’s salary offer is reputed to be £500,000 p/w (no player in the world is currently on more than £150k p/w or so).

As a Milan fan, I’m disappointed to be losing such a fine player (for the transfer will surely go ahead); other fans are considerably more disappointed with the situation than me, and will be protesting against club owner (and Italian Duce Presidente) Silvio Burlesquoni at tonight’s game against Fiorentina. I’ll actually break the habit of a lifetime and admit to a modicum of sympathy with Burlesquoni - what else is he supposed to do in the face of so much money? However, I’d respect him a lot more if he came out with the honest truth; i.e. that the offer’s too good to refuse. He’s done everything in his power to make it look as if Milan are reluctant sellers, whereas the truth is that Kaka doesn’t particularly want to go, and that Milan’s money men are currently wallowing in pools of their own slavering drool waiting to bite Man City’s hand off.

If Burlesquoni had half a brain, he’d just take the money and keep as quiet as possible; instead, we have to endure hours of his oleaginous “I always do what’s best for the Milan Family; we’re a traditional, God-fearing homely-values-mom’s-apple-pizza-pie football club” bullshit.

Anyone can see that it’s a crude attempt to weave increasingly thin strands into something artificial to try cover his manifold deficiencies….

Something of a debate is currently raging amongst the members of the Folkestone and District Table-Tennis Association (FDTTA) about the scoring system employed in the sport. You, gentle reader, will probably remember the game you loved as a carefree youth being scored to 21 points; however, in recent years that’s been changed to 11 points - apparently to make the game “quicker” and thus cultivate a greater TV audience. In all honesty, Sky Sports remain conspicuous by their absence from Burmarsh “B”’s recent fixtures.

There’s a groundswell of support amongst FDTTA members for a return to 21; however, as the voice of reason, I’ve taken it upon myself to send out an e-mail pointing out that any pre-emptive change on a local level would prejudice our affiliation to ETTA. (I’ve subsequently been deluged with correspondence from Basque separatists and fans of the female soul legend responsible for “I Just Want to Make Love to You”…)

OK… to kick off the new year in a positive frame of mind, a bit of culture for you. That’s proper culture, as opposed to what passes for the C-word at the Beeb these days, which is usually something along the lines of Mackem pop pixie Lauren Laverne presenting an indepth report on the long-awaited Chuckle Brothers retrospective or similar.

The latest TTOTDOWOHOHCBATCI is “Evening Hymn”, by H Balfour Gardiner. It’s an anthem from the rich Victorian / Edwardian Church of England musical tradition, from which the most famous composers are people like CV Stanford and CHH Parry (of “Jerusalem” fame).

Despite being utterly godless, I’m extremely well-versed in this genre of music, having sung in church choirs twice a week from age 5 to age 22. To be honest, most of it is musically slightly pompous and blustering (as you’d expect from British Victorians), and lyrically full of impenetrable references to Lord Jesu showing us his Glorious Tabernacles.

“Evening Hymn”, though, is a class above any other anthem I ever sang. It avoids the lyrical pitfalls by being written in Latin, whilst musically it’s an astonishing tableau of chordplay. The lush, high romantic four-part chord progressions are almost Wagnerian, with a particularly glorious soaring tenor line which I regularly found myself unable to sing because of the lump in my throat (music is the only thing which regularly makes me well up, apart from a sharp well-aimed kick to the, erm, tabernacles.)

It’s worth a listen all the way through;  watch out particularly for the “spooky” middle section (which translates roughly as “keep us safe from ghosts and ghoulies, O Lord”) and the astonishing “Amen”s at the end where, by varying a simple musical phrase in the Treble, then Tenor, then Alto, then Bass parts, the composer brilliantly engineers the change from the pomp of the climax to a calm finale. A miniature masterpiece.

First of the year, you lucky people….

Q - Which DJ can also do origami, but only with entire trees?

A - Oakenfold.