As the table-tennis season winds inexorably towards its conclusion, with my team once again mired in a soul-crushingly futile battle against relegation (a fate which was only avoided last year by me drunkenly pleading with the League Secretary at the annual dinner dance to ignore the fact that we’d finished bottom), now is possibly not the most auspicious time to introduce the squad - but never mind. Belmarsh “B” are as follows. Names have been changed to protect the incompetent.
Skip - a veteran of over 40 years, our diminutive team captain possesses a fearsome defensive chop-based game. He will not hesitate to employ negative tactics in lengthy rallies, and will regularly win at least a third of his games simply because opponents get bored and give up as they need to be home before midnight. Five-times winner and current incumbent champion of the FDTTA Most Flatulent Player award, Skip is a shining example of captaincy - he’s a great leader, a stirring motivator, and incredibly annoying in doubles matches when he “amusingly” tries to trip me up just before I play my shot.
Mr Hunt / Mr Angry Head - a relative newcomer, and the only non-”Marsh-an” (i.e. Romney Marsh native) on the squad. Mr Hunt, first name Mike, is a tall, broad-chested, granite-chinned chap possessing smouldering latino good-looks, a devastating “widowmaker” forehand, and a huge blind-spot as to his manifold shortcomings in the good-looks / devastating forehand departments. His chirpy on-table demeanour, with shots punctuated by regular loud cries of “Oh, for FUCK’s sake, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!” are, for some reason, regularly misinterpreted as signs of an irascible, over-competitive nature. He is in fact possessed of a zen-like calm and inner tranquility. (In much the same way as are, say, Joe Pesci in “Goodfellas” or Michael Douglas in “Falling Down”.)
Nibbles - The youngster of the team, Nibbles gets his nickname from his habit of hoovering up any remaining biscuits after the half-time tea-break (and not at all from lurid tales of his past exploits as a voracious sexual conquistador, oh no. Honestly. Especially not since he’s about to get married.) The most naturally gifted player on the team, his powerful all-round attacking game is only spoilt by the fact that it usually takes him 20 or 30 points to realise that the match has actually started. Nonetheless, he possesses the squad’s best winning average, as well as one of the most extensive collection of O’Neill, Animal, Billabong and Ripcurl hooded kagools in the Western Hemisphere.
BREAKING NEWS - sadly, Belmarsh “B” WERE eventually relegated from Division 1 this season: needing an 8-1 victory in our final game, we came agonisingly close(ish), putting up a valiant effort in losing only 5-4 to a team who were a player short (i.e. 3 of our 4 points on the night were won by default because the opponent’s third player didn’t turn up). We did win the league’s “Most Sporting Team” award, though (which is basically confirmation that the other teams think it’s amusing how rubbish we are.)
Stay tuned for future table-tennis bletherings, including more terminology updates - next time, you can find out what the expressions “floater”, “they all count”, “slapper”, and “keep it there” might signify! (And I’m sure it’s already up there on your “must read” list, just below the next Katie Price book… )
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