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A few weeks on from England’s cricketers gloriously regaining the Ashes from our Australian colonial underlings, normal sporting service has been resumed; England are now 2-0 down in the One Day Series to a scratch team of unemployed sheep farmers and former prisoners from an ex-penal colony somewhere in the South Pacific.
However, despite the see-saw excitement on the pitch, the state of the game as measured by the all-important amusing nickname remains dire - at least it does if the current crop is anything to go by. Gone are the creative days of “Dizzy” (Jason Gillespie), “Dickie” (Harold Bird), Graham “Picca” Dilley and “Fat Ting” (Mike Gatting. Actually, I made that one up); instead, here’s a few examples from the current squads:
England -
Andrew Strauss - “Strauss-y”
Ian Bell - “Bell-y”
Graeme Swann - “Swann-y”
Andrew Flintoff - “Freddie” (it alliterates. Coo!)
Rob Key - “Key-y” (probably)
Australia -
Stuart Clark - “Clark-o”
Michael Clarke - “Clarke-o” (subtle difference in pronunciation)
Mitchell Johnson - “John-o”
Mike Hussey - “Huss-o”
Ben Hilfenhaus - “Hilfenhaus-o”
Commentators -
Jonathan Agnew - “Aggers”
Henry Bloefeld - “Blowers”
Phil Tufnell - “Tuffers”
… you get the picture. There’s about as much creation, intelligence and design as there would be in a book about the history and development of planet Earth by Richard Dawkins. So here’s a few lame ideas for improvements; maybe you too could pitch in with a) your own suggestions, b) transatlantically-ignorant-yet-actually-fairly-pertinent questions along the lines of “what the fuck is cricket and why the fuck do you play it?” or c) withering, contemptuous silence.
Strauss - “The Waltzer”
Bell - “End”
Swann - “Owned-by-the-Queen-y”
Hilfenhaus - “Home Help”
Agnew - “s-Dei” (VP points for knowing what I’m on about here)
Rob Key - “The Florida Thief”
Mike Hussey - “The Amplified Slag” (Mike / Mic? No? Bloody sod you then…)
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VP points, please. Unfortunately, having had to sing Pie Fucking Jesu a billion times at school, I know exactly what ‘agnus dei’ means.
I don’t know much about cricket but military nicknames are hardly any more inventive. Anyone with the surname ‘White’ is called ‘Chalky’; Smith becomes ‘Smudge’; Miller becomes ‘Windy’; and anyone Welsh is, funnily enough, called ‘Taff’.
Good work, LZ, and a speedy snaffling of the VP points on offer.
Of course, the dream partner in the commentary box for Jonathan Agnew “S-dei” would be if the soul singer responsible for “Stand By Me” changed his surname to “Dictus”…
How about this:
Shane Warne - “Warne-y”
NB - this is an actual nickname used by Adam Gilchrist to encourage Shane Warne in his bowling during the 2005 Ashes Series.
On a side note, while using the font of all knowledge (Google) to determine whether Warne was spelled “Warn” or “Warne”, I came across this as an auto-complete suggestion: http://www.shanewarnethemusical.com.au/
I wonder which aspects of his life they chronicle – presumably the enormous number of test wickets will come into it, but will almost the same number of women feature? And will they document the consumption of all the pies at all?
More importantly, what does one have to achieve in one’s life to be the subject of a musical? And, is it a revealing insight into Australian culture that Warney fulfills the requisite standards for this?
“What does one have to achieve in one’s life to be the subject of a musical?” - now this IS an interesting question. One for a poll, which I’ll pen later. Nazi-defying nuns, old testament patriarchs, French revolutionaries and carnivorous plants make the grade over here. In Australia, I suspect that the criteria are based more around cricket, sheep, barbecues, criminality, cricket, lager and cricket (or a combination of these).
I suspect that the Shane Warne musical almost certainly covers all of “cricket, sheep, barbecues, criminality, cricket, lager and cricket” in healthy measure – as such, it’s probably the greatest musical that Australia will ever produce.