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- “Granny, what would you like for Christmas?”
- “Hmmm… let me think… well, what I’d really like is an album of incredibly well-known songs, all of which have been already covered more times than Shergar’s mum, each arranged in an identically slow and mawkish manner to suit the astonishingly one-dimensional vocal timbre of a woman who looks like she was a member of the 1984 East German shot-put team.”
Yes, the long-awaited Susan Boyle album is out today. I haven’t yet seen the cover, but I can guarantee you that, by the middle of next summer’s car boot sale season, the artwork will be more familiar to me than the lines on my own time- / age- / Simon-Cowell’s-endless-stream-of-lowest-common-denominator-shite-worn face.
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Here’s something that’ll make you weep. I gave a class of 16-year-old French kids a guessing game to play where one student stands at the front of the class, is given a picture of a famous British person to look at, and then answers questions from their classmates who are trying to work out who it is. It didn’t take them long to guess that one particular card was Susan Boyle, and the student holding it confirmed that they were right. I was rather confused, however, because I hadn’t actually included a picture of the Scottish hairy angel, so I asked to look at the picture.
It was the Queen.