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Another gem from the bastion of hard-hitting investigative journalism that is the Folkestone “Kentish Express”. Not, sadly, from our friend Chris “Pulitzer” Denham, the man who can link a now-defunct Victorian water-balance lift on the Kentish coast to - well, anything he wants with only three degrees of separation; instead, from the Stelling Minnis section of the “Village Guide” announcements. Check dis -
“Disgusting behaviour: Someone is relieving themselves on the Minnis [heath] on a regular basis. MCSMDW, the Moving Conference of Stelling Minnis Dog Walkers, have independently verified these unsavoury phenomena. Also noted is that dogs are rolling in and eating the substance mentioned. This isn’t nice, especially if you are the one worrying about the sort of health problems this may be passing on to your family members. It would be appreciated if that person would stop what they are doing. If a problem exists in this respect, perhaps another solution could be sought?”
Absolutely fantastic. Only in an English local paper. I really don’t know where to start, but I especially love the last sentence. Not “stop shitting on our heath, you dirty git!”, but “perhaps another solution could be sought?”.
One slightly serious point; presumably the members of the MCSMDW looked up and noticed this “phenomenon” whilst pausing in their walk to let their dogs take a shit on the Minnis. Of course, because it’s DOG shit, there’s no problem - dog shit is a lovely, fragrant addition to the verdant canvas of traditional English heathland, and is well-known for its healthy and restorative properties. And in any case, I’m sure that every member of the MCSMDW picks up, without fail, every single tubelette of brown stinky shoe-friendly joy that their mutt ever deposits on the “Minnis”.
Other than that, (sh)it’s clear that there’s a problem, but what turd do? The residents have to faece up to things, keep a log of further instances, then (s)tool up, confront the perpetrator, poo-ever it is, and make him get de-fec-ate (the feck out? No?) of their village. The guy’s probably an immigrant, perhaps from a Greek island. An ex-Crete-er, maybe?
(OK, that’s plenty.)
This entry was posted on Saturday, February 20th, 2010 at 8:20 pm and is filed under Fatuous comments and ridiculous generalisations, Ha flipping ha.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
Crikey, Taf. Sounds like it’s raining scat and dogs down there. Although this is actually just a ruse to get all the coprophiles back again, isn’t it?
Actually, Chez, now that you mention it, I wonder what - if anything - the police are doing about the phantom Minnis-shitter? Knowing how paperwork-obsessed the boys in blue are these days, a “copper’ll file” a report, and not much else.
I also love the Stalinist-era-esque name that the dog walkers have given themselves; the “Glorious Worker’s National Conference for the Advancement of Anti-Bourgeois Canine Ambulatory Activities”, or whatever it was.
I had noticed that. A very, very bizarre name to give yourself - what the hell is a ‘Moving Conference’ anyway? And it doesn’t even spell anything rude, even though you have ’sm’ from Stelling Minnis. Surely the Joggers Inc of Stelling Minnis are equally furious.
As are the Stelling Minnis Equestrian Gathering of Horses Etc, Asses and Donkeys.
I also heard that the Original Ramblers Group Around Stelling Minnis was being very vocal.
Good stuff, Chez…
By the way, a note to all passing coprophiles - you’re still welcome at the site, but I won’t be changing the name back to Shit Sandwich. After all, you can’t have your cack and eat it.
There’s no doubt been a flood of wrong’uns flocking to the site looking for cack eating content now.
Based on timing of Chez’s comments:
February 21, 2010 @ 11:49 pm
February 21, 2010 @ 11:52 pm
February 21, 2010 @ 11:54 pm
… it takes on average 2.5 minutes to come up with an amusing acronym!
Actually, on the matter of keywords / phrases used to find Very Poor in February 2010 - these are the top 12 (the 12th was too good to exclude):
1. shorts
2. very poor
3. frances ingram robbie williams
4. pasta puns
5. ian dury
6. subo wrestling
7. light fandango
8. up the shitter
9. light fandango meaning
10. lookey likeys
11. the light fandango
12. i hate geri halliwell
… “shorts” is a bit of an odd one - possible that the legend of LZ’s shorts lives on.
There’s relatively little in the way of scatalogical ones, about the best one can do here is: ‘i earn £24000 shat would be my monthly wage”.
Some other slightly amusing ones:
- ‘how to pronous libidnous’ … answer: learn to spell it first (unless pronus libidnus is somekind of latin sex act … although spelling would be key then as well)
- ‘ipswich monopoly game mayfair’
- ‘moses and the parting of the red cheeks’
… and last, but not least ‘why is this country going to shit?’, for which VeryPoor ranks #3 in Google … making it a veritable authority on the answer to this question.
Yes! My shorts live on! It’s nice to know that I still have fans out there who cruise the internet, looking for a glimpse of them.
In fact, I recently wore the very same shorts that sparked off the whole phenomenon for the first time in about six years. Yes, folks, these really are my old PE shorts from school (I don’t possess another pair of shorts). Enjoy: http://tinypic.com/r/2pow5tv/6
(And of course, the funny thing is that, after all that, they’re not even sexy)
I’m not sure why, but the thought of someone looking for number 8 and getting VP made me genuinely laugh 0ut loud.